It’s been a while since I’ve had a jolly good whinge…

…So now winter looms, the evenings are drawing in darker and wetter and every single train seems to be delayed- I thought I’d pop up and spread some delicious and perhaps questionable debate about something that has been bothering me for a little while now.

I’m fast coming to the conclusion (after hours of highly scientific observation and research) that for many – the ability to boast a massive social network is a base for massaging their ego and ultimately use this network to brag to others about how big it is- possibly using it like a geeks penis extention or perhaps breast enlargement- or perhaps both.

I’ve been active on Twitter now for quite some time – I’d say I was pretty aware of the ins and outs of using it. I noticed st the start of my twourney that there was a handful of folk who were proclaiming to be ‘social media gurus’ or ‘web evangelists’. I still don’t know what the crap that means but a fellow Twittee mentioned at the time that this was the equivalent of putting ‘creative imagineer’ on a business card in the early ’90s. Basically a load of old bunkum that serves nothing but to massage the ego of the so-called ‘imagineer’.

We’ve moved on from meaningless job titles on business cards to these new kings of the social networks.

They’ve got thousands of followers hanging off their every update – what do they do? What gives them the credentials to preach their new media evangelism over the Twairwaves, or the Facebook fan pages, or the Linkedin accounts..you get the idea. I dont know what their backgrounds are – and they are usually not so forthcoming to tell us. I actually don’t get it. I see people with a mysterious skillset telling us about how good social networks are – and posting endless links to other reports and not actually making that much constructive commentary themselves.

Perhaps it’s no coincidence of the closeness in spelling Twitter has to twatter- and way way too easy to think of countless puns for these ‘social media gurus’ so I’ll avoid the trap of calling them Twatters. Or Twatterateri.

I actually don’t know what gives them the supremacy they seem to command. I observe lots of reverence but little knowledge imparted into the salivating mouths of their loyal fans. Sure- they use their network to organise events- a Moonwalk in London as a tribute to Jacko- but why? Perhaps they’ve been a devoted fan and this was the only way of consoling themselves following his death.

I’d wager this wasn’t the case though.

I actually asked the organiser why bother – no answer. I put it to him that it was because he siezed another opportunity to promote himself and his ego – but if he does have something to promote I don’t know what it is, so not a great campaign. Perhaps I’m too cynical and it was arranged purely for a bit of fun and and act of utter selflessness and that they wanted to harness their network power for the sake of others and that’s all it was. (cough)

So what is the secret? Well I think it’s down to the same old story – size. The more people you have in your network the more you can repeatedly tell them things that make you out to be a super-geek-online-hero-Jedi-Master. Keep telling people something and sooner or later they will believe you.

I have this image of these big-twitters sitting in a flat with no food, furniture, curtains or carpet. Just broadband and a laptop, yet the perception of these folk by their loyal fans is somewhat different. They seem to be accruing fans like sheep, and I just see lots of people blindly following folk like sheep because they think (and this is the key) they THINK that they will get a secret that will change their life in some way – be it through a way to ‘utilise the network’ to earn money or to get something for nothing. The reality is very different but once you’ve been trapped under their spell you can’t escape.

I was always a firm believer in quality over quantity, and to me this makes sense. Have a group of people that can directly affect your network and give you something that you don’t have. Share ideas with others and perhaps make friends, but its the quality of who you speak to, tweet to or chat online with that will help – not having an over-inflated ego and filling up their fans hard drives  with bags of manure and drivel.

I once went to a ‘networking’ event hosted by a well known married couple who run a successful ‘networking’ website, and it was their birthday celebrations. It was like sitting in a scene from the Witches of Eastwick. I was fully expecting the audience to peel off their heads to reveal some hideous creatures beneath. Admittedly some didn’t need masks- but what I heard was absolute nonsense of the highest brainwashing order. It was 2 hours of self-indulgent back-slapping banter that was nothing more than to lay praise on the founders of this site. A couple of badly produced videos thrown in for good measure too- all making out these people to be ‘life changers’. Looking at the audience it didnt appear to have helped them – every single one there selling a service, and no one buying their service- but they again touted ‘the more people you have in your network the better.’ The only thing its better for is the membership fees of their website.

It was actually bizarre and horrifically scary how this audience were in awe of these folk. If they had commanded the audience to boil each others heads they probably would. It really was that weird.

Following the speeches there was a networking session. I was approached by a clearly demented man wearing a multi patterned tweed jacket who butted into a chat I was having with someone who only had one head and looked on the surface human – he butted in and I asked what he did. His reply? ‘I do whatever you want me to do.’

I then left.

Here’s my conclusion and final thoughts. The whole social media thing is certainly  a more advanced networking  but without people actually talking face to face. – Still this is based on the paranoia caused by the need to generate new business. Its a vicious cycle of desperation.. lack of work so out you go networking, you meet others who are also looking for work, who are also desperate, you leave feeling deflated and under-valued so you look to the social networks online – full people following people who don’t help either.

My advice? Handpick who you speak to. Don’t follow the crowd. Don’t be too pushy and be yourself. You may not win new business but at least you wont be following the herd.